Memoir 1

Chapter 1

Just Living My Life

 

 

Unexplainable

No one understands the horror I experience.

Every day, hour, minute, second, I suffer.

How do you explain the unexplainable?

It inflicts horror, even though I am fine.

I suffer even though I have no reason.

I was happy until it attacked me one spring day.

Now I fight everyday to be myself once again.

I can’t explain it.

I miss me.

 

     In 2011, I moved to Sierra Vista to be near my oldest daughter and three grandchildren. When she moved a few years later, I decided to stay. My youngest daughter lived in Northern California, and would occasionally visit. As of now, I’m sad to say I’m currently estranged from both of my daughters. They think I’m mean because I held them accountable when they were growing up. I think they’re spoiled aka part of the entitled generation. Hoping we’ll reconnect one day. 

 

     As I was only writing part-time, I started volunteering at the local farmer’s market. I would eventually start my own to address food insecurity. I really enjoyed working with the vendors, and made a few friends. While I for the most part enjoyed what I was doing at this time in my life, I’ve always known I was meant for more, and from a very young age. I just felt it in my bones. 

 

     Sierra Vista is about an hour’s drive northwest from Nogales. From Tucson, it takes about an hour and a half driving southeast to reach the city. I found the desert scenery to be absolutely gorgeous and surprisingly, I enjoyed the weather. At almost a mile high, summers weren’t too hot, and we got some light snow in the winter. I amused myself often, for example by saying, ‘look at that rainfall, just like in the movies’, then quickly stating ‘well, where do you think the movies got it from?’ I had a handful of friends. I loved my vegetable gardens. I took shelter dogs for walks when I had the time. Life was good. Not great, but good.

 

     I’m the type of person whose glass is always half full. I’m the person who smiles at you when we pass each other by when out and about. I’m the first person to offer help. I’m the fool who always sees the good in everyone. While I’m far, far away from perfect, I tend to think of myself as an overall good human being. I genuinely care about other people, and strive to make the best decisions moving forward in life. 

 

     Like most people, and I can say that now due to my living experience, I didn't understand what mental illness was and what it could do to you. Of course, we’ve all heard stories about people who are experiencing mental illness or living with a mental disorder. But to most, they are just that, stories. So I understood how difficult it is for people to have empathy for others when they don’t have first-hand experience with their particular plight. I hope my story inspires people to be more empathetic. 

 

     Like all people, I’ve experienced many negative emotions throughout my life, including (what I now call normal) anxiety, sadness, depression, and anger. As I usually felt positive emotions before this happened, I went from being a happy and productive person to feeling despair within a matter of weeks. It just kept getting worse. I could no longer think straight. I lost many writing jobs and accordingly was going through my savings quickly.

 

     Anxiety moments for me come when I have to speak in front of people. For example, I had to read a 7-minute report in a 2008 college class, and internally freaked out the entire time. I often now preface a speech with, ‘please bear with me, I get so nervous speaking in public’. Around the same time, I was also a participant in a class debate, and was so nervous I asked a teammate if they could relay the research I did on the topic. 

 

     Sadness moments that particularly stand out include moving away from friends at the age of 12, seeing my schnauzer get run over by a car at the age of 15, and mourning friends who’ve passed on. I was depressed when my grandmother and mom passed. I felt they were so far away, and even though I knew I would see them again when I passed, I missed them with every ounce of my being. 

 

     Ah, anger. What a terrible emotion if left unchecked! While anger can be considered a normal reaction to certain happenings, it’s an emotion that can really get out of hand quickly. And it’s usually directed towards someone else. I’m sad to admit that I could often get out of control if I got too angry, too riled. Anger would overwhelm me, causing me to yell out of emotion, often saying things I would later regret. Of course I would apologize, but the damage was already done. With age, I’ve mellowed. 

 

     But, I never imagined I could experience these intense emotions even when I’m NOT feeling anxious, sad, depressed or angry about something. I also never imagined the full force with which mental illness attacks. It took me two and a half years to figure out what was causing me to experience various types and levels of extreme emotions. In the meantime, I suffered horrendously. 

 

     Unfortunately, this was just the beginning of my descent into madness. Every time I thought the mental anguish couldn’t get worse, it did. And in ways I never could have possibly imagined.